The Reality Where Slav Drowns
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Slav thinks Shiro is hitting on him.


The Galaxy Garrison mandated CPR training for all cadets, both on the ground and in 0g. This was the first time he had had to use it.

But nothing that they taught on Earth could have prepared him for THIS situation – where the victim's nostrils were nonexistent and he couldn't tell where the chest cavity ended.

He hit something that made a sound like a squeak toy and decided it meant progress rather than injury.

"Shiro?" Pidge commed him. "What's going on?"

"Slav just drowned in a puddle."

"What?" patched Lance. "How did he even fail that hard?"

"I literally have no idea."

"Well, let's just hope your guy isn't the real Slav," Lance said.

They could hope for that, but mostly Shiro hoped for him to live. He had yelled at him just a moment before.

The last breath had been administered about thirty ticks ago. Shiro put his mouth to the prisoner's.

He breathed into the strange mouth and felt the prisoner twitch against him.

When he pulled back, Slav was coughing.

"Slav? Are you all right?"

The alien looked up at him.

"Well in about forty-nine percent of realities, I have suffered considerable brain damage from this."

"…Is this one of them?"

"I am a little bit too dizzy to tell right now."

"Did I hurt you?"

Slav patted himself down.

"I do appear to be in a little bit of pain."

Shiro looked away.

"I'm sorry."

Slav sat up and crossed his arms.

"And I see you think that you can just kiss and make up."

"What? That's not what I–"

"I'll have you know that you are not a very good kisser."

"I wasn't kissing you!"

"No, I understand, you do not know what to do with a mouth that is not like yours. It happens to many inexperienced kissers."

"Can you just be quiet until we get out of here."

"I suppose your species is unappealing on most other planets out there, otherwise you would have gotten more practice."

"Slav…"

"I will give it to you that you are not aesthetically displeasing, however your social graces are lacking."

"Look, I _tried_ to be nice to you! But we're getting nowhere fast and this isn't helping!"

"If you wish to apologize in a more acceptable way, I would recommend a marglebork bouquet, or possibly a box of flomptoads. But at the moment I would not like another kiss."

"I WAS PERFORMING CPR!"

"I am going to assume this is something they do on your planet for victims of drowning. However, there is a much easier method on MY planet, and what you have done comes off as either very rude or very forward."

"I'm sorry," Shiro said through his teeth. "I wasn't trying to be either."

"My friend, I understand that all the swooning you have done over me is making you nervous. And that is perfectly understandable, after all, I am a very desirable specimen on many planets and I have had plenty of experience kissing all sorts of–"

Shiro growled into his hands.

"LOOK, we're going, okay? No more puddles, no more drowning, no more of this kissing stuff!"

Slav turned away from him.

"Hmph. You think you are entitled to my attention because you revived me from an accident that YOU caused?"

Shiro sighed.

"I'm sorry, okay? What if I carry you down the hallway? Then you won't be stepping on any more puddles."

Slav seemed to think about that for a moment.

"Well, there would still be about a two percent chance that YOU will slip on a puddle on the way out, and then I am in danger of both falling down AND being hit by your thick head."

"I won't slip, okay? I promise."

"On the other hand, since my lucky range of terahertz did not protect me from the puddle, that means it is MORE likely to protect me from any FURTHER dangers hereon out."

Shiro put out a hand.

"So, are you coming?"

Slav took it and hopped up into his arms.

"You know, this is what they call 'romantic.'"

"THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC."

"Well, it is recognized as a romantic gesture in one hundred percent of realities."

Shiro gritted his teeth and started down the hall.

"I am going to presume that with an attitude like that, you haven't had much luck romancing your own species, either," Slav said. "You are quite lucky that we have met so I may impart my wisdom to you. Being handsome will only get you so far. How much tongue do you have to work with?"

When the corridors intersected, they met with Lance and some alien behemoth.

"Oh, wow, you have Laika," Slav said.

"Yup," said Lance's creature.

"You know, even a creature of Laika's intelligence can recognize that this is a romantic situation we are in," Slav said.

"Yup," said the animal.

"It IS?" said Lance.

"Yup."

"I would recommend that you send Laika back," Slav said to Lance. "In about eighty-four percent of the realities where you take her with you, she bites a hole through your spaceship and pees on your shoes."

"What? Seriously?" said Lance.

"Yup."

They released the creature before the rendezvous at the Blue Lion.

"Be honest with me, how many people have you kissed in this reality?" Slav said as Shiro carried him in.

"Plenty!"

"I don't count, by the way."

"Just stop!"

"So your number is zero and you are claiming to be fine with that?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Oh, tell me, who have you kissed, then?"

"Uh…"

"ME," Lance proclaimed, grinning from the cockpit. "He has definitely kissed ME and he was definitely AWESOME at it."

Shiro looked from Lance to Slav and back. They both had the look of waiting.

Well, the other option wasn't great, either.

"Yeah," he went with. "I kissed Lance."

"WAIT SERIOUSLY?" Pidge shouted. "You didn't tell me about this!"

"Uh…"

"It was a one-time thing," Lance waved nonchalantly. "Casual, meaningless, too-much-party-music kind of thing. Right, Shiro?"

"Uh… yes."

Pidge gaped at them.

"You know how much TROUBLE you would be in if the Garrison found out?"

"Well they weren't there." Lance took off. "It didn't happen on Earth."

"THIS HAPPENED UNDER MY NOSE AND I NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT?"

"Maybe," Shiro said sullenly.

"What party even WAS this?" Pidge said. "With the Arusians?"

"Yeah, that one," Lance said.

Shiro could feel it as Pidge stared him down.

"Shiro. I'm very disappointed in you."

"I'm not," said Lance. "You're a very good kisser and Slav doesn't know what he's talking about."

"I don't care!" Pidge growled. "Shiro, that is SO unprofessional! What is my DAD gonna think?"

"Pidge… PLEASE don't tell your dad."

"Yeah, no, DEFINITELY don't tell your dad," Lance said. "It's not Shiro's fault. He was… drunk."

"YOU KISSED HIM WHILE HE WAS DRUNK?"

"Well, I was drunk too," Lance added quickly. "No fault, no hard feelings, no hangovers even. The perfect storm."

"There's no WAY you didn't tell Hunk about this, and there's no way Hunk didn't tell ME about this," Pidge said.

Lance put a hand out.

"Hey. If I tell everyone how good of a kisser Shiro is, pretty soon EVERYONE'S gonna want a kiss from Shiro, and then he's just gonna get so overwhelmed."

"Well that is where you are incorrect, because I have factual evidence that your friend is not a good kisser," said Slav. "This must be one of the realities where you have very bad taste."

"ExCUSE me that is NOT true!" Lance shouted.

"Shiro, did you REALLY kiss Lance?" Pidge looked him in the eye.

"Uh… can we talk about this later?" Shiro said.

"Did you really kiss SLAV?" Lance asked.

"No!"

"Yes, and quite poorly," said Slav.

Shiro sighed.

"Just, please, everyone stop."

Slav spent the next few minutes counting on his fingers.

"I know you were lying to me," he said after a while. "There ARE realities where your story checks out, but none of them lead to where we are now."

Lance snapped to look at them, swerving the Lion.

"Wait… there's realities where I kiss Shiro?"

Slav waved a hand.

"Well, do not get too excited, because as you have said, you were both drunk and it was meaningless."

"Um… so what ELSE happens in that reality?"

"Oh, well there are SEVERAL of these realities, and most of them involve a superglue accident on the night in question…"

Shiro sat on the floor of the cockpit with his head in his hands.

This was going to be a very long trip back.


End file.
